THE TALES OF MISTER CARBON BUSINESS
MISTER CARBON BUSINESS in THE GREAT CHEESE CONSPIRACY
Once upon a time, there was a cheese machine. It was sitting around lazily one day when it realised it was a lettuce.
“What now?” said the cheese machine in a tired voice as a camel head fell into it and got shredded.
“Oooh, new shoes!” said a passing walnut.
“Thanks,” said the cheese machine, “ but I’m afraid that doesn’t bring back my beloved shape.”
“No, I suppose not”, said the walnut. At this point it became apparent that the walnut was actually a tube of banana paste.
“Could you please tell me why I’m a lettuce?” said the lettuce.
“No,” said the farmer. “But I can tell you a funny joke. There was this nutcracker – no, it was a wizard. That’s right. So, there was this wizard, and it walked into a bar – or was it a museum? – anyway, the point is – er, never mind.”
The lettuce, however, was not intimidated.
“I am NOT intimidated!” said the lettuce and melted.
“Well, great,” said the walnut, who had just about recovered from hearing the word ‘Wizard’ – or was it ‘nutcracker’? Anyway, the point is – the walnut ran away.
“Well, great,” said the melted lettuce. “Who’s going to provide the good people of Crapsville with a quality cheese service now?”
“Never fear,” said a bus.
“Shut up,” said the lettuce.
“As you wish,” said the bus and fell apart.
Meanwhile, Mister Carbon Business was looking through a cheese catalogue.
“Hmmm,” he said, turning a chameleon.
“No,” said the chameleon, “that’s definitely not it.”
Mister Carbon Business seemed to agree. He picked up the catalogue, and was about to flush it down the piano, when a voice said, “Yo.”
Mister Carbon Business looked up and saw that the voice belonged to ‘J. Springs, 3 Bear Lane, Crapsville. If found, please return.’
Mister Carbon Business, being a kind-hearted soul, picked up the voice, which was now nibbling at the skirting boards, and carried it out the front door onto the back garden.
“Weird,” said Mister Carbon Business.
Thirteen minutes later, there was a knock at Jim Springs’s door. He opened it wide to see the smiling face of his voice.
“My voice! You’ve returned!” said the voice and jumped into Jim’s mouth. There was an odd noise, like puppies, and Jim Springs started to talk again.
“Thankyou! You have saved the trees and the rivers and the ducklings and even my voice! You are such a telephone!”
Taken aback by this praise, Mister Carbon Business failed to notice the melted lettuce which had been creeping up on him.
“Gotcha!” it said and frobbed him hard between the eyes.
Mister Carbon Business woke up in a dark room, tied to a chair.
“Untie me from this darned thing!” yelled the chair.
“Silence!” said the melted lettuce which had just rolled into the room.
“Now then,” it said. “MCB, you were seen ordering cheese from a catalogue at eleven hundred hours yesterday morning. Is this correct?”
“Nobody calls me MCB,” said Mister Carbon Business. “For all you know, that could stand for Moo Cows Bang, or Motor Cars Bang, or Mmm, Crunchy Bicycle, or any number of such rancid little phrases. I shall not be insulted so!”
“I’ll save you!” said the bus.
“GET OUT!” yelled everybody in the universe.
The bus fell over, and was swept away by a robot with a broomstick.
The melted lettuce resumed its sermon.
“As I was saying,” said the lettuce, “your cheese-ordering activities did not go unnoticed. You were seen by Blanket Bear of Bear Village. He suspects you are trying to buy all the cheese in the world, making cheese machines like myself go bankrupt.”
“Stupid blanket bear,” said Mister Carbon Business.
“How dare you insult Blanket bear!” shouted the melted lettuce.
“Oh, come on,” said Mister Carbon Business firmly, “he’s just a stupid blanket with a picture of a bear on it. How the hell can he have seen me ordering cheese?”
There was a hushed silence.
“My god, he’s right!” said the melted lettuce, “let’s all eat ourselves to celebrate!”
“It’s OK for you, you’re a lettuce,” said the bus.
There was a quick but violent flash of weapons and the bus lay smouldering in several hundred pieces. It was quiet for three seconds.
“Hooray for everything!” yelled the walnut.
Then everybody started cheering madly and proceeded to eat themselves.