THE TALES OF MISTER CARBON BUSINESS
MISTER CARBON BUSINESS and the FROBBING of the HORSEBOX
“He who frobs the horsebox knows not where his eyebrows are.”
--Ancient Chinese Proverb
Mister Carbon Business was sitting in his chair one day when he realised that he was on a motorway.
“This is strange,” he thought as he caused several traffic jams.
“I’ll eat these later,” he said, pocketing them one at a time. But before he could say “Please buy me a carousel,” a horsebox rolled by, snagging Mister Carbon Business’s pantaloons as it did so.
“Oy!” said Mister Carbon Business and frobbed the horsebox. It fell over and a horse popped out.
“Thou hast frobbed mine horsebox,” proclaimed the horse.
“Uh-oh,” said Mister Carbon Business.
“Yes,” quoth the horse, “Thou hast injured the moon and the sky and even, young grasshopper, even your own eyebrows.”
A daffodil appeared.
“Taketh the daffodil, and place it upon the very top of the third highest mountain in the world.”
“OK,” said the horse and trundled off into the distance.
“That was close,” said Mister Carbon Business, wiping his forehead. As he did so, he realised that his eyebrows were missing. He looked down and picked them up off the floor.
“I know,” he said to no-one in particular, “if I take these eyebrows to the banyan clinic, they can forge me a motorcycle.”
So Mister Carbon Business set off for the Banyan Clinic, tripping over small animals and cursing as he did so.
And it came to pass that, seven bloody years later, Mister Carbon Business arrived at the Banyan Clinic with his appendix hanging out and entered via the entrance.
“Sooo,” said the receptionist, who happened to be a banana.
“Can you please forge me a motorcycle using these here eyebrows?”
“Sertainly Cir, I’ll do so at once!”
The banana made no effort to move.
“Er, this century please?” encouraged Mister Carbon Business.
“Oh, right,” said the banana and waddled off into a toothpick factory.
“Now, I wonder where the waiting room is?” said Mister Carbon Business.
A sign said, “Waiting room.”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” he said to the sign and frobbed it.
“Auuow,” said the sign and fell over. A horse did not pop out.
A young man by the name of OUCH said, “Hey, you’re Mister Carbon Business.”
“I’m aware of that,” said Mister Carbon Business, “and who might you be?”
“The Queen,” said the man.
“Well I might be.”
“Y…..es,” said Mister Carbon Business as his ears fell off.
“Aargh,” said the Queen, “your ears!”
“No I’m not,” said Mister Carbon Business and frobbed the Queen.
A policeman walked through the door.
“Ow,” said the door.
“Be quiet,” said the policeman. He then turned to Mister Carbon Business, who was eating a quiche.
“Mister Carbon Business, you are under arrest for the frobbing of an innocent horsebox. How do you plead?”
Mister Carbon Business was not to be fooled.
“You’re not a judge!” he said.
“Yes I am,” said the judge, and threw some gravel at him.
“Oops,” said Mister Carbon Business, realising he was in a courtroom.
“Now,” said the judge, “How do you plead?”
“Like this,” said Mister Carbon Business. He cleared his throat and began-
A second handful of gravel hit him in the face.
“Not funny!” said the Judge, who, at this point, Mister Carbon Business noticed was an elephant with nine heads.
“CAPACITOR!” said a tree and blew up.