THE TALES OF MISTER CARBON BUSINESS
NUMBER FIVE
MISTER CARBON BUSINESS and the STAIRS that WON'T SAY NO
It was a great day for ironing things and Mister Carbon Business and Pov were out with a vengeance.
"Good work there, Pov," said Mister Carbon Business as Pov ironed a nearby tree.
"Mmm," said the tree in five places at once.
But before anyone could squeeze a phone box, Piston Jack came running in with a piece of paper stapled to his head.
"I've got this here piece o' paper nailed to my head!" proclaimed Piston Jack proudly.
"Morning, Jack," said Mister Carbon Business. And then, "I hate to disappoint you, but that's a staple."
Piston Jack pulled out the staple and scrutonized it with both eyes.
"Still," he said, "you can't argue with results!"
"Quite. Give that here," said Mister Carbon Business, somewhat hexagonally. Piston Jack handed over the paper and went to sit in the naughty corner while Mister Carbon Business straightened it out and put on his reading goggles.
"Ashamed of your possesions?" it said.
"No," said Mister Carbon Business.
"Oh," said the paper. "Not even a little bit? How about this one?"
"Not really," said Mister Carbon Business. "It's a Dave Plus Four and it could outstrip my grandma."
"Shut up," said the paper. "The new Margaret Times Nine lights up in both colours of the rainbow and comes with its own egg sharpener. And you don't even have to pay vegetable tax on the eggs you sharpen because eggs aren't vegetables!"
"Hmm," mused Mister Carbon Business. "I'd never thought of that."
"Well!" said the paper. "You'll want to come along to Dave's Piano Key Warehouse on the Fifth and prepare for your eyes to be blown out of your head!"
"I might just do that," said Mister Carbon Business in red. "Thanks, small flat friend."
"I do my best!" said the paper and riccocheted into another dimension.
Archie Pegalo heard this and burst into the room, his hat on backwards and a terrible noise in each hand. An irritated ooze trailed behind him and set Mister Carbon Business's carpet on fire.
"Get out of here, Archie. That was just a piece of paper riccocheting into another dimension. Even a four year old girl could tell that," said Mister Carbon Business without even looking.
"I don't like you, Business. You used to be cool," sulked Archie into a paper bag.
"And you used to be outside of my house," said Mister Carbon Business. "Good times."
Mister Carbon Business secured a nearby stick in a loan-based takeover bid and used it to prod the protesting Archie Pegalo out of a window.
"Joke's on him," sniggered Archie Pegalo as he used his enchanted sausage to teleport him back into Mister Carbon Business's house.
"Ah, but Pegalo," said Mister Carbon Business, still not looking. "I toyed with your sausage earlier."
Archie Pegalo looked around and noticed he was in the naughty corner. A small child bubbled up and attempted to insert a wooden train in him.
"Tsk, tsk. When will they learn," said Mister Carbon Business creamily. "Come on, Piston Jack, we're going to Dave's Piano Key Warehouse."
"Why's that then?" said Piston Jack as they locked up with a bang.
"My old Dave Plus Four's on its last legs, Jack. Look."
Mister Carbon Business rummaged in his pocket and pulled out his Dave Plus Four in a shower of used legs.
"That's tragic," said Piston Jack.
"Well, you know what they say. A penny saved is a penny glearned. Now help me ring the bell."
Mister Carbon Business counted to one quite fast and then they both did an enormous dance with eight seperate sections. The seventh section had two subsections, the first of which was slightly better than the second.
It worked, though, because the door sprung open with a "spang" and a cut-off yelp and there stood Dave, owner of six countries which he owed to the aisles upon aisles of piano keys arranged behind him. It really was enough to make a grown man's skin melt.
"Margaret Times Nines are round the back," he said with a shimmy grin.
"Great," said Mister Carbon Business. "We'll take the hovercraft."
They took the hovercraft and sculpted it into a fine Venetian blockbuster starring Mel Kent before realising it was nearly closing time.
"Come on, quickly, or they'll launch our feet off," said Mister Carbon Business in yellow as he pulled Piston Jack into the back garden.
"Whee!" said Piston Jack. His Dennis Minus Seven popped out and agreed in Welsh.
When they got there there were great big rigs scattered with shiny new Margaret Times Nines. Mister Carbon Business went up to one.
"So, you're the bee's knees, are you?" he inquired.
"Yes," it said, offering him a beer.
"Thanks. So what do you do?"
"Well!" it said. "If you press this button I can make some stairs say no."
Piston Jack spat out his coffee.
"No!" said Mister Carbon Business, incredulously.
"Oh yes."
Mister Carbon Business extended a finger and pressed the aforementioned button.
"Yes," said some stairs.
"The hell I'm buying this," said Mister Carbon Business and went home.